For the Parents of Teen Girls
The essence of being a teen girl doesn’t seem to really change across generations. Sure, interests, language, social outlets, and fashion trends vary, but there are more constants than not: becoming a foreigner in their own bodies, dreaming of all that is possible in life, figuring out who they are, and the fact that nobody (especially not a parent!) understands their unique challenges, desires, and struggles as modern teens.
So we’ve all been there and some of us would go back, some of us wouldn’t. As a psychologist who has worked with teen girls over the last 20 years, I (Dr. Bloomfield) get to return there vicariously every day. I hear about the heartbreaks, the “girl drama,” the longing for more independence, the unreasonableness of parents, the obvious solutions to a myriad of world problems, and so forth. I get to see the glimpses of who each young lady will be as she weathers these years and becomes a woman. I have to say, it’s a pretty cool job.
Of course I learned a lot in grad school and remember my own adolescence, but experience in the trenches has taught me the most. I’ve learned many lessons and here are a few things to keep in mind if you are a parent who is strapped in (or maybe dangling by a limb at times) for this roller coaster ride:
1. Parents matter. You do. No matter how much she makes it abundantly clear that she is not like you or wants nothing to do with you, she needs you. Adolescence is a time of turmoil emotionally and socially and the reassurance of being loved no matter what is needed more than ever. You will love her even when she’s moody, having a bad hair day, feeling friendless on social media, scared to stand up for herself, or in any other state she fears will lead to rejection by all others. Hang in there with her. Be consistent and fair.
2. Talk to teens like they are real people, not like little kids. Listen to what she has to say, what she thinks and believes. You don’t have to agree with her or approve of her choices or allow her to do things that break your family rules, but hear where she is coming from and respect that she is forming her own opinions, identity, and understanding of the world. And sure, there will be plenty of times you will be rolling your eyes (in your head—don’t let her see!), but if you want to challenge her do it in a way that preserves her dignity.
3. If she doesn’t want to talk to you about her life, it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Adolescence is when girls separate from their families and turn to friends for advice, role modeling, and support. It is a big adjustment for parents, particularly if teens used to talk to them more. It can feel like a loss. Just keep in mind you can still find common ground or ways to connect. You may have a TV show you watch together, shared activities like a sport or volunteer work, or even informal chats about casual topics. Let her connect with another adult you trust who can give good guidance and keep an eye on her. This may be a coach, teacher, youth group leader, or even a therapist.
Most importantly, remember that this is a period of growing pains—for everyone. There are ups and downs, changes, and inevitable hard moments and decisions to be made. She’s not the only one growing and changing; you will grow as a parent and the relationships within the family will grow and change too. It can be hard, painful, and scary at times, but it can also create relationships that stand the test of time and a young lady who is strong and prepared for anything that lies ahead.